Aging Gracefully - Helping Parents With Aging - Part One, Driving

            Aging gracefully is more myth than fact.  Gracefully means elegance of beauty of form, manner, movement or speech.  Aging brings with it memory loss, arthritis, loss of hearing or sight, loss of mobility and many medications.

            As we age, we surrender our youth, but not with grace and not easily.  The loss of youth means the loss of independence.  Who wants to give that up?  Our best bet is to age with dignity.  Dignity is all about pride and self respect.

            As teenagers the term "rebellious" is often used.  Guess what?  The same term can be used once again as we age.  Rebellious means to be defiant, opposing, and resistant to management.

            Our hearts are in the right place when we try to help our aging parents.  We are concerned with their health and safety.  As a result, we being to manage their lives to protect them from harm.  As memory and comprehension begin to fail, aging parents can't understand that they no longer can care for themselves.  They are beginning to lose their independence and total freedom of choice.  They rebel!! 

            As a result of my cancer and treatments, I have lost some mobility.  The shopping cart is used more for support than for groceries.  I am having a difficult time accepting that I need a cane and that long walks are just memories.  My independence is slowly vanishing away from me and I cannot stop it.  I am in my mid 50s and I am still able to adjust to this loss.

            My parents are in their 70s and 80s and they seem more accepting of walker use as they see one of their daughters, who is much younger than they are, need walking assistance, which seems to help.

            Driving is a big issue.  It is one of the most important forms of independence an aging person can have.  As eyesight and pain medications cause impairments on their driving  judgments and driving abilities, the safety issue reaches beyond just our parents.  It crosses over the other people on the road with them.  It would be tragic of my parents died in a car accident but even more devastating if they took other people with them.

            What to do?  Talking to your parent about quitting driving causes arguments, heart ache and resentment.  They are not going to give up their independence.  They are going to rebel.  They want to still have their pride and self respect.

            Giving them choices about driving can be done with retaining their dignity.  Help them evaluate their current abilities and the abilities they may have lost.  If they have had recent accidents gently bring that up and discuss why it happened.  Say, "Remember when you backed into that car.  You were unable to turn your head fully to see the car."  Of "Remember when you backed into that car, your eyesight is not what it used to be."  Giving concrete examples of difficulties associated with their driving gives them something to rationalize about quitting

            Help them adjust slowly.  Tell them that it is a good idea that they should only drive during the day, or for only very short distances.  Tell them that highway or freeway driving is no longer possible because they can't see the traffic soon enough or they can't turn to see the cars next to them.  Be realistic about their impairment and give examples.

            Encourage them and help them find alternative means for getting around.  Many counties have driving services to get older people to doctor appointments.  Encourage them to get their prescriptions delivered either by someone or through the mail.  Set get together days to take them shopping and plan outings you are willing to take them on.

            If all efforts fail, then you have to get drastic.  Make an anonymous report to your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles.  They may or may not intervene.  Another option to is talk to the person’s physician about your concerns. Older people have a lot of respect for their doctors and the doctor telling them it is time to stop driving may be all it takes.

            Retaining pride and self worth is very important as our parents age.  Create choices that make them safe and let them decide which ones to choose.  Letting them have some control over their limitations is the best way to allow them to age with dignity.

Cancer - Permanent Late Effects of Radiation

            Monday, April 25, 2011 was the fifth anniversary of my husband's death from cancer.  I knew it would be a difficult day to make it through, but the next day proved to even worse.

            When I rose for the day on Tuesday, I had no idea that my day would involve emergency surgery requiring stint placements in my left leg and surgery on a large clot in my right leg.  My leg became numb from my hip to my toes, white in color and extremely cold.  The pain that radiated from my hip to my toes was excruciating.  My leg became limp and useless.

            Upon arriving to the emergency, the pain was so chronic that I wanted to die, seriously.  I wanted it to stop.  After examination it was determined that I had artery blockage in my left leg requiring emergency surgery.  I was transported to a metro hospital by ambulance.

            Two stints were placed in my upper  leg.  A few hours later I was in emergency surgery to removed a massive blood clot in my upper right leg which was caused by the instruments to place the stints.

            What had happened?  Why did I developed clotting of the arteries of my legs?  Late radiation side effects from eight weeks of front and back pelvic radiation for my anal cancer in 2004.

            Late effects of radiation is permanent damage and may take months or years to develop and can be progressive.  The thin layers of cells that lines the interior surface of blood vessels become damaged.  This can cause premature arteriosclerosis, the narrowing of the medium and large arteries. 

            The vessel damage within the beam of radiation may cause premature vessel aging, radiation induced arteriosclerosis or radiation induced blood vessel scarring and death to the tissues.  The radiation energy dose, duration and size of field are contributing factors on radiation-induced arteriosclerosis and can take from one month to over twenty years to become evident.

            Talk to your oncologist and radiologist about ways to shield other organs to protect them from the radiation field.   Late radiation side effects are permanent and will continue to cause health problems.  There is no cure for vessel or artery damage due to radiation therapy.

            I was very concerned the two weeks that followed.  Since then I have had a borage of tests for my heart of which have been normal thus far.  The fact is that I made a trade off.  To survive my cancer my body underwent damages that I will live with for the rest of my life.  Knowing the possibilities ahead of time that you may face life-long side effects at least gives you knowledge and can help you to prepare for these possibilities.  I did not know this damage was a possibility.  They are yet one more thing in my life that I will learn to live with.

Cancer in the family Déjà vu Part One - My dad

            Hearing that a family member has cancer is difficult.  I heard it when I was diagnosed, heard it when my husband was diagnosed and recently heard it when my dad was diagnosed a week ago.

                The main purpose of my blog was to offer information, support and insight for others dealing with cancer, becoming a cancer survivor, becoming a widow due to cancer, and the life changes associated with these issues.

            Today it is for me to release feelings I have developed with the recent cancer diagnosis of my father.  When I received my diagnosis of cancer, it affected my immediate family, the same ones now affected by my father's cancer. 

            Cancer is a cruel word with life changing results.  My dad is the head of our clan, as it were.  He has always kept the family anchored and the bind that tied us together.  He has terminal, small cell, lung cancer.  It is the same diagnosis as my late husband Tom received six  years ago.  Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of my husband's death.

            I  know how difficult it will be to care for my father.   While I was still in recovery from my cancer, my son and I cared for my husband at home until he died.  The memories of his care are flooding back to me as I prepare to care for my father, who too, has lung cancer.  I know the challenges ahead and I am still prepared to do this.

            I have permanent physical disabilities from my cancer and realize that this undertaking will be difficult at best.  This is one reason I have been told to institutionalize both parents. (My mother has Traumatic Brain Injury from a heart attack five years ago and unable to care for herself.  My father has been her primary care giver).  

            It would be easier on me to put mom in a nursing home and dad in an institutional hospice.   True, but end of life is so permanent.  Once my dad dies, like my husband, he is gone forever.   I know not everyone is able to deal with home health care and home hospice care, but I know that I would want this for me, as did my husband.  I want the same end care for my father.  Sacrifices, yes there will be many, but it is temporary. 

            Of us four daughters, the majority of the task to care for our parents falls upon me and my sister Sandy.  We are both in the 55+ years old club, both have osteoporosis and both dedicated to caring for our parents.  My younger sister will help with a limited degree.

            I will share this journey with you as it unfolds, and hopefully will have insights to share.

Life From A new Perspective

            As children we are groomed to want more than what we have.  It is a good philosophy, but lacking in perspective.  Wanting more is not unhealthy but often it becomes materialist and greedy.  As we pursue the more in our lives we forget to look at what we have.  After a while we just see what we do not have.

            Having comforts throughout our lives is not a bad thing.  Comforts can be very positive on our self esteem and our happiness.  When the desire for comforts begin to cause unhappiness is when we need to re-evaluate our needs. 

            As I look back in my life I can clearly see the materialistic things that were my downfall.  Some of these things were for my family and others for me.  My children had to have the fashionable and often expensive clothes to feel as though they fit in with the crowd.  Peer pressure is very powerful.

            Even as adults we are subject to peer pressure known as the old expression, keeping up with the Jones'.  Advertisement make us feel that are lives are not complete without their product.  Do we believe them?  Of course we do because we go right out and buy it in hopes the promises made about the product comes true.

            Sacrificing the basics needs to live, such as food, clothing and shelter, we become vulnerable to the predators of advertisement.  We soon forget that good enough is actually good enough.  It does not have to be the best or newest as long as it serves its purpose.

            After years of accumulation we face the dilemma of what do I do with all this stuff?  It is truly difficult to let go of things you have had for years or things we have convinced ourselves that we will use one day.  Learn to sell, donate or throw. The less items you have the more space you have.  The less items you have the more time you have that you will not waste digging through boxes and drawers to find just one item.

            The solution is to create a budget and stick to it.  After you make a decision to purchase something, wait a few days and then ask yourself, do I really need this item or do I just want it?  We have all heard that wanting less gives us more.  If the car you have is good enough, then you no longer want a car.  You are satisfied and that is more.  The old furniture is still in good condition and usable.  Why buy something else because the ads say you life will be better if you do.  Will it?  Do you really want to spend money on items you don't really need?

            The difference is between need and want.  If it is a real need to satisfy food, clothes and shelter, buy it.  If it is just a want, analyze it first and then decide. 

            There is an adage that I believe originated during World War Two, "use it up, wear it out, make it due or do without".  This concept is very modern with the "going green" becoming the new way of life.  Refurbishing for decoration, find new ways to use old things and donate.  Donated items become new items to someone else.  

            When less becomes more in your life, you will learn to value the important things in life such as relationships, family and your own self-worth.   Money becomes less of an issue and working on relationships become easier without money distractions.   After all, what could be better than more love and affection?  Not much.

           

Grief – Memories That Heal

            It has been almost five years since Tom died, and I wonder where the time has gone.  I came across the box containing all the sympathy cards we received at the time Tom died.  I hadn’t realized at the time, that there had been so many cards.  I counted over one hundred and eighty cards.

            As I re-read all those cards, I was surprised that I did not cry.  I did not cry because the cards brought me so much comfort.  All the warm wishes and personal comments made my heart happy to think that Tom had a good life.  He was valued by so many and was truly cared about by so many.

            Comments such as “He was such a patient and caring boss,”  “I had not only the opportunity but the privilege to work with Tom.  I was able to observe and learn much from Tom”, “Tom’s priority in life was his family and he never missed an opportunity to brag about all of you,” and “Tom could fix anything!”

            There were so many comments on Tom’s patience, kindness, and strengths, the affection many people had for Tom just filled my soul.

            We also received cards from many of the key people in Tom’s cancer care.  They shared comments such as. “Tom always had a smile and never complained about his pain.”  “He had a lot of tenacity and survived months longer than we thought he would, he had great strength.”

            It is truly comforting to know that he was loved.  I truly believe that Tom accomplished most of the things he had wanted to accomplish in his life.  This also gives me comfort and as I remember him, I still miss him, but know that he did have a good life.

Widow - Learning To Live Alone - Part One

            One of the most difficult things about becoming a widow is learning to live alone.  This not only includes the quietness of the house, especially at night, but cooking, chores and leisure time.    

            I live in the country and I enjoy the spring and summer nighttime sounds outside such as frogs and crickets.  In the winter is it relatively quiet outside, but there are creaks and movement of the house itself I listen to as I sleep.  I never used a night light, but since my husband died, I began using one.

            I know some people leave many lights on or the TV or radio, but this would drive me crazy. I need relative dark and very quiet to sleep.  I have a phone in my bedroom of which I never did before and I have a can of wasp spray, 20 foot range, on my bed stand.  This may seem strange but it is a small form of security for me.  I figure I could spray an intruder as I dialed for help.  I guess any form of security is better than being in fear of being alone at night.

            Learning to cook for one has been very difficult for me.  Before my husband died, my children were still living near us so I enjoyed the big meals I could cook when they visited.  Even cooking for two is easier than cooking for one.  I have learned to buy smaller quantities and how to freeze portions for future use. 

            I have never enjoyed eating alone, which has resulted in me rarely eating at the table.  It seems so empty and alone.  I eat at my desk or while I watch TV.  It seems less lonely for me.

            I have adjusted to doing the chores my husband did, such as going to the dump, mowing the lawn or plowing the driveway.  Before he died, my husband bought a plow for our truck, and a new riding lawn mower so I had the equipment I needed to get the job done.

            I still have not found a solution to my leisure time.  I watch a lot of movies, play games on the computer and read.  I have been getting back into making jewelry, but that is slow.  I socialize with my family and occasionally with friends, but spend most of my time at home.  I am working on finding a solution to this.

            Learning to live alone after becoming a widow has many aspect to it and it is a process of taking it day by day.  There are no easy and quick solutions to help with adjustments but having faith that you can and will overcome living alone is a good start.

           

Six Year Cancer Survivor

     I am celebrating my sixth year as a cancer survivor.  When I was given a "Cancer Free" diagnosis on December 27, 2004, I was ecstatic.  This thrill was short lived because five weeks later, we received my husband  Tom's diagnosis of terminal lung cancer.  

   

     My joy turned to feelings of fear, worry and stress.  Tom survived for fifteen months.  When he died I not only felt intense grief, but an overwhelming sense of guilt.  Why had I survived my cancer and he did not?  There is no answer to that question.  It has taken me over four years to finally let go of my guilt.

     I know that Tom would want me to live my life the best that I can.  I know he would want me to find some happiness, even in his absence.   Some days this is a difficult task, but I am working at making my life the best I can.  

     I embrace family and friends with a new sense of value.  I enjoy the beauty that nature has to offer and  have a renewed sense of the things I value.  I have done a lot of soul searching and I am dedicating myself to reaching out to others in a way that will not only benefit them, but myself as well.

    My hope is that by sharing my expereinces with others, not only with coping techniques, but also my reflections of my experiences, that they too will find happiness and joy along there journey through life.