Aging gracefully is more myth than fact. Gracefully means elegance of beauty of form, manner, movement or speech. Aging brings with it memory loss, arthritis, loss of hearing or sight, loss of mobility and many medications.
As we age, we surrender our youth, but not with grace and not easily. The loss of youth means the loss of independence. Who wants to give that up? Our best bet is to age with dignity. Dignity is all about pride and self respect.
As teenagers the term "rebellious" is often used. Guess what? The same term can be used once again as we age. Rebellious means to be defiant, opposing, and resistant to management.
Our hearts are in the right place when we try to help our aging parents. We are concerned with their health and safety. As a result, we being to manage their lives to protect them from harm. As memory and comprehension begin to fail, aging parents can't understand that they no longer can care for themselves. They are beginning to lose their independence and total freedom of choice. They rebel!!
As a result of my cancer and treatments, I have lost some mobility. The shopping cart is used more for support than for groceries. I am having a difficult time accepting that I need a cane and that long walks are just memories. My independence is slowly vanishing away from me and I cannot stop it. I am in my mid 50s and I am still able to adjust to this loss.
My parents are in their 70s and 80s and they seem more accepting of walker use as they see one of their daughters, who is much younger than they are, need walking assistance, which seems to help.
Driving is a big issue. It is one of the most important forms of independence an aging person can have. As eyesight and pain medications cause impairments on their driving judgments and driving abilities, the safety issue reaches beyond just our parents. It crosses over the other people on the road with them. It would be tragic of my parents died in a car accident but even more devastating if they took other people with them.
What to do? Talking to your parent about quitting driving causes arguments, heart ache and resentment. They are not going to give up their independence. They are going to rebel. They want to still have their pride and self respect.
Giving them choices about driving can be done with retaining their dignity. Help them evaluate their current abilities and the abilities they may have lost. If they have had recent accidents gently bring that up and discuss why it happened. Say, "Remember when you backed into that car. You were unable to turn your head fully to see the car." Of "Remember when you backed into that car, your eyesight is not what it used to be." Giving concrete examples of difficulties associated with their driving gives them something to rationalize about quitting
Help them adjust slowly. Tell them that it is a good idea that they should only drive during the day, or for only very short distances. Tell them that highway or freeway driving is no longer possible because they can't see the traffic soon enough or they can't turn to see the cars next to them. Be realistic about their impairment and give examples.
Encourage them and help them find alternative means for getting around. Many counties have driving services to get older people to doctor appointments. Encourage them to get their prescriptions delivered either by someone or through the mail. Set get together days to take them shopping and plan outings you are willing to take them on.
If all efforts fail, then you have to get drastic. Make an anonymous report to your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles. They may or may not intervene. Another option to is talk to the person’s physician about your concerns. Older people have a lot of respect for their doctors and the doctor telling them it is time to stop driving may be all it takes.
Retaining pride and self worth is very important as our parents age. Create choices that make them safe and let them decide which ones to choose. Letting them have some control over their limitations is the best way to allow them to age with dignity.
