Grieving is a process that is unique
to each person. Grieving has no time line, no set process and no rules.
Each person must grieve their own way and at their own pace.
It has been seven years since my
husband died and I am still grieving.
The pain I felt when he first died has lessened, but it is still
there. I have read many books to help me
cope. I went to a grieving support group
to help me cope. There is no secret
process that gets you through it, you just do.
Having other people to lean on is beneficial
and lets you know that someone else cares how you feel. One day though, you will have to lean on
yourself.
As a cancer survivor who lost her
husband to cancer, my longest step of grieving was the guilt. Why did I survive my cancer and my husband
did not? I was diagnosed first and started
treatment. Five months later, my husband
was diagnosed with cancer and started his treatment.
The first thing I had to realize was
that cancer is not a punishment or a curse.
It is a process that our bodies go through to deal with free radicals
that have entered our bodies. Free
radicals are things in our environment, things we eat, injuries or health
conditions that cause pre-cancerous cells in our body. Our immune system usually takes care of these
pre-cancerous cells, but when it cannot, these cells become cancer.
Unfortunately, it happens to often
and to too many people. My husband and
myself happen to be two people that it happened to. I had Squamous cell anal cancer. It is the same type of cancer that Farah
Fawcett had. My husband had small cell
lung cancer. Why? There is and never will be an answer to that
question. It is how our bodies respond
to the free-radicals that it comes in contact with. If our natural immune system is strong
enough, the pre-cancer cells are destroyed.
If not, then they become cancer.
Understanding that cancer is not a
punishment can help with grieving. I was
not punished because I had cancer. I was
not punished because my husband died from cancer. It just happened.
As far as guilt about being a
survivor and my husband was not, it had to do with the cancer type we each
had. Mine had a cure and my husband's
was terminal. I survived and was able to
help my husband die with dignity. I was
there for him. I understood what he was
going through with his treatments because I had the same experiences.
Of course this did not lessen my grief
when he died. He was gone and I was
still here. It took me many years to
stop feeling guilty, but I no longer feel that guilt. It is just one step in the grieving
process. You do not have to be a cancer
survivor to feel this guilt. Many people
feel guilt once their loved one dies.
They feel guilt that they were still alive and their loved one was not.
There is no need for guilt. There is no lottery that says who will live
and who will die. It is the process of life. One way I found to survive my guilt, was to remember
that my husband would want me to live my life to the fullest. He wanted me to be happy and fulfilled when
he was alive and I know it is what he would still want now that he is
gone.
It is difficult to do this without
him, but I hold onto the good memories we shared and smile when I think of
him. This helps me to go on and strive fulfill
his wish that I be happy. I need to remember this from day to day. He is gone and I am still here. I have the opportunity to live the best I can
and by doing so, I can honor his memory.
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