Twinless Twin

            It is difficult to deal with a loss you never knew you had.  All of my life I felt as though a part of me was missing.  At an early age, I felt as though I had a big hole in my heart and soul.  The emptiness would not be satisfied.

            As I aged, I continued to look for something to fill that empty loneliness.  I decided that everyone has these feelings, and that possibly, it was all part of living our lives.

            At times, this empty feeling caused such unhappiness, that I decided that I was just prone to depression.  There is no real answer to the cause of depression, so I accepted it.

            Secretly, in my heart, I continued to find something to fill that emptiness. To find something to make me feel complete. 

            At age 58, while talking to my mother, we were discussing my feelings about something missing in my life.  During that conversation I was given a piece of information that would help me to understand my feelings.  My mother told me that I was supposed to be a twin.  Most likely an identical twin.  My twin died in utero.

            As a mother of identical twin girls myself,  I started to understand my feelings of loss.  I had lost my twin sister.  I understand the silent and strong bond my daughters have with each other.  They share their soul.  They knew each other before they were born and continued that connection throughout their lives.  They would be lost without each other.

            As a child I had imagined that I had a twin sister out there somewhere.  That possible my parents had given her up because they couldn't handle four children at that time.  My sister Sandy is only 13 months older than I, and my sister Linda only 14 months older than she.  I know that my parents would never have done that, but children have great imaginations.

            When I had my twins, I decided that those dream of my twin were only a premonition that I was going to have twins.  Yet, the personal emptiness did not fade.

            After all these years, I finally found what I was seeking.  I found the answer to the emptiness I had felt all my life.  It's difficult to explain, but I know I can stop looking.  Strangely, it is making a difference in my life.   As I acknowledged it, I can feel that emptiness begin to fill.  I am filling it with the memories of my twin sister and the knowledge that she did exist.  I find comfort in knowing that we were a part of each other.   

            I asked my mom if they had a name for her.  She told me that they had not thought of names by the time she lost my twin.   I decided, that as part of the process of being able to grieve and move on, that I would name my twin.  I chose Margaret.  Margaret and my name, Rita, have the same origin, which is Margarita.   It signifies that we had the same origin as well.

            As the days go by, I am feeling more and more a sense of peace within myself. I no longer look over my shoulder and wonder who the presence is that I feel.  I know who it is.  I no longer wonder what is missing within my soul.   At times I do wonder what it would have been like to live with my twin sister, but I have accepted her loss.

            My life may not be complete, but I know one thing for sure about my endless search for something I could never identify.  I can stop looking.  I found my twin.