Search This Blog

About Me

My photo
I am a mother of three children, a cancer survivor and a widow. My experiences about life are many, of which I want to share. I have a wonderful family and live in one of the most beautiful places Midwest, Wisconsin. Feel free to leave comments!!

Friday, May 25, 2012

Strength and Hope While Fighting Cancer Including Terminal Cancer


            I was diagnosed with anal cancer in September, 2004.  I was devastated.  I was afraid.  I also felt invaded knowing that such a lethal growth had taken its hold on my body.
            My first thoughts were that I was going to die.  I didn't want to die.  My second thoughts were of fear.  Fear of treatments, getting sick and any pain that may accompany the treatments.  Fear of the unknown. 
            At first I didn't want to know anything about my cancer, but after I started treatment, I developed some bravery and started to learn more about it.  It didn't help my fear, but it did help me to understand my type of cancer better.  I had Squamous cell carcinoma.  It is a skin cancer which can happen on both the inside and outside of your body.  There are skin areas inside your body such as anus, rectum, intestines and inside your lungs, nose and mouth. 
            Mt treatment consisted of front and back pelvic radiation and chemotherapy.  Together, they are a lethal weapon against my cancer, but also destructive to my body.  As treatments continued, I learned how damaging they would become, but I also learned that I was a much stronger person than I ever thought possible.
            The radiation ravaged my front and back groin areas to the point that you would think I had severe burns on the delicate tissues.  Actually, they were severe burns, radiation burns.  It hurt to pee, have a bowel movement and to sit or even walk.  The chemotherapy drained all my energy and the combination of both therapies did take their toll my body and my emotions.
            At one point I needed a blood transfusions because the treatments had robbed me of valuable red and white blood cells.  I was in pain, depressed and wanted to die, just to get it over with.    
            Strength from family and friends help me to find the strength from within me, to go on.  My husband kept telling me that I would survive so we could "Grow Old Together."  I was fifty years old and I really wanted to grow much older with my husband.  That was my hope.  New treatments for my type of cancer also gave me hope.  
             My symbol became a dragon fly.  The dragon fly is symbolic of change.  Cancer patients experience change every day and even after treatment ends. 
            After two months of treatment, pain, nausea, and depression, I made it through.  Two months later, an anal ultra sound let me know that the treatments had worked and I was cancer free.
            My joy was short lived.  Five months after I received my cancer diagnosis, and only one month after I was told I was cancer free, my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  My diagnosis had the word cure attached to it, my husband's diagnosis had the word terminal attached to it.
            Once again I was devastated.  How can that be?  I am not even recovered from my treatments.  How can we start this all over again?  Tom had advanced small cell lung cancer.
            As I continued my recovery and Tom started his treatments, we saw the same oncologist and the same radiologist.  The fact that I had gone through treatments and our familiarization with both doctors, gave Tom some comfort. 
            I became Tom's care giver, just like he had been for me.  It was a difficult task for several reasons.  I was trying to recovery from my treatments as I was going with Tom to all his treatments and we both had to deal with Tom being terminal. 
             My symbol of change also changed.  It became two dragon flies.  Two dragon flies are a symbol of love.  My and Tom's love for each other gave us strength and hope.
            As the months went by, I realized that he was not going to survive.  Our mantra of "growing old together" was quickly fading away.  
            Reality told me that he was going to die.  But I did not give up hope.  Hope that Tom would live long enough to be cured.  Hope that a treatment would be found that would give him more time to live.
            We supported each other, which gave us strength to go on.  Alas, Tom's cancer took him from me fifteen months after his diagonals.  I felt that my life was also over.  Why did I survive my cancer and he did not?  There is no answer and there never will be one.  It happened. 
            I miss him, even six years later.  How I survived without him, I am not certain.  I know that I had to  think to myself, "How would Tom want me to live?"  I know that my happiness was a priority on his list.  After he died, it wasn't even on my list.  As time passed, I realized that to honor Tom's memory, I had to live the best that I could.  To love the way he would want me to live if he were here.  To live life for the both of us. 
            Hope is a powerful feeling.  Hold onto to it during and after treatments.  It will get you through, even if the cancer wins.   It is what keeps us going, for better or for worst.  Hope is a powerful feeling.  "Not all who get cancer die.  Not all who get cancer live.  But all who get cancer have hope."