It is difficult to deal with a loss you never knew you
had. All of my life I felt as though a
part of me was missing. At an early age,
I felt as though I had a big hole in my heart and soul. The emptiness would not be satisfied.
As
I aged, I continued to look for something to fill that empty loneliness. I decided that everyone has these feelings,
and that possibly, it was all part of living our lives.
At
times, this empty feeling caused such unhappiness, that I decided that I was
just prone to depression. There is no
real answer to the cause of depression, so I accepted it.
Secretly,
in my heart, I continued to find something to fill that emptiness. To find
something to make me feel complete.
At
age 58, while talking to my mother, we were discussing my feelings about
something missing in my life. During
that conversation I was given a piece of information that would help me to understand
my feelings. My mother told me that I
was supposed to be a twin. Most likely
an identical twin. My twin died in utero.
As
a mother of identical twin girls myself, I started to understand my feelings of
loss. I had lost my twin sister. I understand the silent and strong bond my
daughters have with each other. They
share their soul. They knew each other
before they were born and continued that connection throughout their
lives. They would be lost without each
other.
As
a child I had imagined that I had a twin sister out there somewhere. That possible my parents had given her up
because they couldn't handle four children at that time. My sister Sandy is only 13 months older than
I, and my sister Linda only 14 months older than she. I know that my parents would never have done
that, but children have great imaginations.
When
I had my twins, I decided that those dream of my twin were only a premonition
that I was going to have twins. Yet, the
personal emptiness did not fade.
After
all these years, I finally found what I was seeking. I found the answer to the emptiness I had
felt all my life. It's difficult to
explain, but I know I can stop looking. Strangely,
it is making a difference in my life. As I acknowledged it, I can feel that emptiness
begin to fill. I am filling it with the
memories of my twin sister and the knowledge that she did exist. I find comfort in knowing that we were a part
of each other.
I
asked my mom if they had a name for her.
She told me that they had not thought of names by the time she lost my
twin. I decided, that as part of the
process of being able to grieve and move on, that I would name my twin. I chose Margaret. Margaret and my name, Rita, have the same
origin, which is Margarita. It signifies
that we had the same origin as well.
As
the days go by, I am feeling more and more a sense of peace within myself. I no
longer look over my shoulder and wonder who the presence is that I feel. I know who it is. I no longer wonder what is missing within my soul. At
times I do wonder what it would have been like to live with my twin sister, but
I have accepted her loss.
My
life may not be complete, but I know one thing for sure about my endless search
for something I could never identify. I
can stop looking. I found my twin.
