Life Can Be Stranger Than Fiction

         This past week has been the most bizarre and emotional week I have ever lived.  On Sunday the 11th of September, my dad passed away.  The week that followed was most unusual.  I had to change my emotions from planning the funeral of my father to helping with the wedding of my son.

            I was making funeral arrangements while working on decorations for the wedding.  The morning of my son's wedding, I had to pick up my father's ashes.  I then went home and got ready for my son's wedding.  The wedding was beautiful and I did miss my father's presence, as did my mom, who began to cry during the wedding vows.

            While all this was going on, my brother-in-law was in the hospital with respiratory problems.  He did manage to get out in time for the wedding.  I really could have used my sister's support during this week, but she was at the hospital with her husband.  Very difficult for her as well, since she had just spent 2 weeks at the hospital with my father. 

            The circle of life does continue, as it should. We miss the ones who are gone while we have high hopes for those who remain.

            I take great joy in my time of sorrow knowing that my son and his new wife are starting a life together with grandchildren planned.  It will be a new adventure for me and I will remember how wonderful a grandparent my father was and strive to be great grandparent as well.

Cancer In The Family Déjà vu - Part Three - My Dad

        June 6, 1930 to September 11, 2011      

   Sometimes life has a way of making decisions for you.  In early August my dad's oncologist told him that he was responding very well to the chemotherapy.  Then his oncologist talked my dad into having full brain radiation.  My dad had no brain tumors, but his doctor told him it was to prevent them.  I did not agree with the therapy, but I was my dad's decision. 

            After the second week of full brain radiation, my dad became weak, tired and dehydrated.  My sister took him to the hospital where he was re-hydrated with IV therapy.  After five days he went home, just to return to the hospital with dehydration again.  All the time my dad was becoming much weaker.

            Our family made the decision to take my dad to my oncologist near my home.  After transferring my dad to the local hospital, he did well the first few days, but developed an infection and once again dehydrated.

            He never got to see my oncologists as he passed away Sunday, September 11, 2011.  If your doctor suggests such a radical and seeming unnecessary treatment, get a  second opinion.  When my dad was diagnosed in April 2011, we were told possible nine to twelve months.  We got less than six months.

            I feel badly that I took him so far from his home.  I believed he would at least have gotten to go home again.  As I said, life has a way of making decisions for you.

September 11, 2011

Heaven got a new angel today
Even though it makes me sad
Heaven is rejoicing
Because they got a new angel today
That new angel is my dad.
Love you always Dad!!!

 

Widow Learning To Live Alone - Living Alone - Part Two

            Loneliness can become overwhelming once you become a widow or widower who live alone.  I miss my husband every day, even though it has been five years now.  The house seems too big and empty and quiet.

            In my first part of Living Alone,  I briefly touched on the subject of adjusting to nighttime fears and loneliness.  The first year of being alone I was in fear of an intruder into my home.  When my husband was alive, I never thought about it.  I never had any fear about it.  I wasn't alone.

            There are sounds in the house that are familiar.  The furnace kicking in, the water pump, the refrigerator and the normal creaks the house makes as the wind blows or the house settles.  I find these sounds comforting because they are familiar.  This is the main reason I do not have the TV or radio on at night.  I want to feel comfort from the familiar sounds. 

            The other reason I do not have a TV or radio on is that I want to hear the sounds in my house, an out of ordinary sound would be covered by these sounds.  If someone is breaking into my house I want to know it.

            Most of the first year I changed my sleep scheduled and spent most of the night watching TV.  I do not work and on disability so I was able to do this.  I felt less threatened by an intruder during daytime hours of which I slept.  I did change that pattern and now sleep at night and have day hours for activities.

            I do not use a light at night, except a very low wattage in the bathroom.  My theory is that I don't want an intruder to be able to see to get around my house.  I have a flashlight at the head of my bed so if I hear a noise, I will have light to see.  As I mentioned, I keep a can of hornet/wasp spray by my bed.  I own a gun, but I cannot see myself shooting anyone so it would be useless for me to have one for that purpose.

            I also have a phone so I can quickly call emergency if I feel threatened.  I also place those small contact alarms on my doors.  They make a horrible noise if the contact is broken when a door is opened.  I also keep my car keys handy.  I have a panic button on the keys which sounds an alarm on my car.  I tested it and it does go off when I push the button from my bedroom.

            Another way to feel more secure is to invest in a home alarm system.  These can include fire, intruder and emergency medical help.  I carry my cell phone with me at all times so if I do fall down I can call someone to come and help or to call emergency services.

            Learning to live alone is very emotional and life changing, but so is the loss of a spouse.  The first year living alone is the hardest.  There are so many others changes and adjustments we have to make when we lose our most precious loved one, but time does heal, slowly, but it does heal.

Cancer In The Family Déjà vu - Part Two - My Dad and Hospice Care

            Yes, caring for my father is difficult.  My late husband died from lung cancer five years ago. While I was still in recovery from my cancer, my son and I cared for him at home until he died.  The memories of his care are flooding back to me as I prepare to care for my father, who too, has lung cancer.  I know the challenges ahead and I am full of fear as to whether I can provide the intimate and exhausting care he will need.  .

            My older sister told us three younger sisters to institutionalize both parents.  It would be easier on us.  True, but end of life is so permanent.  Once my dad dies, like my husband, he is gone forever.

            I know not everyone is able to deal with home health care and home hospice care, but I know that I would want this for me, as did my husband.  I want the same end care for my father.  The past few months have been overwhelming especially since my parents won't relocate for my dad's care.  I know there are many sacrifices, and yes, it is temporary. 

            When the idea of providing home health care and then Hospice care was discussed a while back, I was in favor of it.  Now, I am reluctant as I did not realize the memories of caring for my late husband would haunt me. Taking care of my dad at their home, over 100 miles from everyone who could care for them, has proven to be a big hardship on us.

            The discussion was to provide the care at my house.  I am leery of this as I feel the bulk of the burden will fall on me.  I am not prepared to do this.  Going through home hospice care a second time for another person I love very much seems to great of a burden to bare.  I am undecided at this time.  Agreeing to provide hospice care is a great responsibility and it will give you memories you may not want, for the rest of your life.

            As I look back at the time with my late husband, I do not know where my strength came from.  As I look forward to the care for my father, I do not know if I can once again find that kind of strength.  As my dad's time for hospice care grows near, I will update you on what we decide.  .

Aging Gracefully - Helping Parents With Aging - Part One, Driving

            Aging gracefully is more myth than fact.  Gracefully means elegance of beauty of form, manner, movement or speech.  Aging brings with it memory loss, arthritis, loss of hearing or sight, loss of mobility and many medications.

            As we age, we surrender our youth, but not with grace and not easily.  The loss of youth means the loss of independence.  Who wants to give that up?  Our best bet is to age with dignity.  Dignity is all about pride and self respect.

            As teenagers the term "rebellious" is often used.  Guess what?  The same term can be used once again as we age.  Rebellious means to be defiant, opposing, and resistant to management.

            Our hearts are in the right place when we try to help our aging parents.  We are concerned with their health and safety.  As a result, we being to manage their lives to protect them from harm.  As memory and comprehension begin to fail, aging parents can't understand that they no longer can care for themselves.  They are beginning to lose their independence and total freedom of choice.  They rebel!! 

            As a result of my cancer and treatments, I have lost some mobility.  The shopping cart is used more for support than for groceries.  I am having a difficult time accepting that I need a cane and that long walks are just memories.  My independence is slowly vanishing away from me and I cannot stop it.  I am in my mid 50s and I am still able to adjust to this loss.

            My parents are in their 70s and 80s and they seem more accepting of walker use as they see one of their daughters, who is much younger than they are, need walking assistance, which seems to help.

            Driving is a big issue.  It is one of the most important forms of independence an aging person can have.  As eyesight and pain medications cause impairments on their driving  judgments and driving abilities, the safety issue reaches beyond just our parents.  It crosses over the other people on the road with them.  It would be tragic of my parents died in a car accident but even more devastating if they took other people with them.

            What to do?  Talking to your parent about quitting driving causes arguments, heart ache and resentment.  They are not going to give up their independence.  They are going to rebel.  They want to still have their pride and self respect.

            Giving them choices about driving can be done with retaining their dignity.  Help them evaluate their current abilities and the abilities they may have lost.  If they have had recent accidents gently bring that up and discuss why it happened.  Say, "Remember when you backed into that car.  You were unable to turn your head fully to see the car."  Of "Remember when you backed into that car, your eyesight is not what it used to be."  Giving concrete examples of difficulties associated with their driving gives them something to rationalize about quitting

            Help them adjust slowly.  Tell them that it is a good idea that they should only drive during the day, or for only very short distances.  Tell them that highway or freeway driving is no longer possible because they can't see the traffic soon enough or they can't turn to see the cars next to them.  Be realistic about their impairment and give examples.

            Encourage them and help them find alternative means for getting around.  Many counties have driving services to get older people to doctor appointments.  Encourage them to get their prescriptions delivered either by someone or through the mail.  Set get together days to take them shopping and plan outings you are willing to take them on.

            If all efforts fail, then you have to get drastic.  Make an anonymous report to your state’s Department of Motor Vehicles.  They may or may not intervene.  Another option to is talk to the person’s physician about your concerns. Older people have a lot of respect for their doctors and the doctor telling them it is time to stop driving may be all it takes.

            Retaining pride and self worth is very important as our parents age.  Create choices that make them safe and let them decide which ones to choose.  Letting them have some control over their limitations is the best way to allow them to age with dignity.

Cancer - Permanent Late Effects of Radiation

            Monday, April 25, 2011 was the fifth anniversary of my husband's death from cancer.  I knew it would be a difficult day to make it through, but the next day proved to even worse.

            When I rose for the day on Tuesday, I had no idea that my day would involve emergency surgery requiring stint placements in my left leg and surgery on a large clot in my right leg.  My leg became numb from my hip to my toes, white in color and extremely cold.  The pain that radiated from my hip to my toes was excruciating.  My leg became limp and useless.

            Upon arriving to the emergency, the pain was so chronic that I wanted to die, seriously.  I wanted it to stop.  After examination it was determined that I had artery blockage in my left leg requiring emergency surgery.  I was transported to a metro hospital by ambulance.

            Two stints were placed in my upper  leg.  A few hours later I was in emergency surgery to removed a massive blood clot in my upper right leg which was caused by the instruments to place the stints.

            What had happened?  Why did I developed clotting of the arteries of my legs?  Late radiation side effects from eight weeks of front and back pelvic radiation for my anal cancer in 2004.

            Late effects of radiation is permanent damage and may take months or years to develop and can be progressive.  The thin layers of cells that lines the interior surface of blood vessels become damaged.  This can cause premature arteriosclerosis, the narrowing of the medium and large arteries. 

            The vessel damage within the beam of radiation may cause premature vessel aging, radiation induced arteriosclerosis or radiation induced blood vessel scarring and death to the tissues.  The radiation energy dose, duration and size of field are contributing factors on radiation-induced arteriosclerosis and can take from one month to over twenty years to become evident.

            Talk to your oncologist and radiologist about ways to shield other organs to protect them from the radiation field.   Late radiation side effects are permanent and will continue to cause health problems.  There is no cure for vessel or artery damage due to radiation therapy.

            I was very concerned the two weeks that followed.  Since then I have had a borage of tests for my heart of which have been normal thus far.  The fact is that I made a trade off.  To survive my cancer my body underwent damages that I will live with for the rest of my life.  Knowing the possibilities ahead of time that you may face life-long side effects at least gives you knowledge and can help you to prepare for these possibilities.  I did not know this damage was a possibility.  They are yet one more thing in my life that I will learn to live with.

Cancer in the family Déjà vu Part One - My dad

            Hearing that a family member has cancer is difficult.  I heard it when I was diagnosed, heard it when my husband was diagnosed and recently heard it when my dad was diagnosed a week ago.

                The main purpose of my blog was to offer information, support and insight for others dealing with cancer, becoming a cancer survivor, becoming a widow due to cancer, and the life changes associated with these issues.

            Today it is for me to release feelings I have developed with the recent cancer diagnosis of my father.  When I received my diagnosis of cancer, it affected my immediate family, the same ones now affected by my father's cancer. 

            Cancer is a cruel word with life changing results.  My dad is the head of our clan, as it were.  He has always kept the family anchored and the bind that tied us together.  He has terminal, small cell, lung cancer.  It is the same diagnosis as my late husband Tom received six  years ago.  Tomorrow is the fifth anniversary of my husband's death.

            I  know how difficult it will be to care for my father.   While I was still in recovery from my cancer, my son and I cared for my husband at home until he died.  The memories of his care are flooding back to me as I prepare to care for my father, who too, has lung cancer.  I know the challenges ahead and I am still prepared to do this.

            I have permanent physical disabilities from my cancer and realize that this undertaking will be difficult at best.  This is one reason I have been told to institutionalize both parents. (My mother has Traumatic Brain Injury from a heart attack five years ago and unable to care for herself.  My father has been her primary care giver).  

            It would be easier on me to put mom in a nursing home and dad in an institutional hospice.   True, but end of life is so permanent.  Once my dad dies, like my husband, he is gone forever.   I know not everyone is able to deal with home health care and home hospice care, but I know that I would want this for me, as did my husband.  I want the same end care for my father.  Sacrifices, yes there will be many, but it is temporary. 

            Of us four daughters, the majority of the task to care for our parents falls upon me and my sister Sandy.  We are both in the 55+ years old club, both have osteoporosis and both dedicated to caring for our parents.  My younger sister will help with a limited degree.

            I will share this journey with you as it unfolds, and hopefully will have insights to share.